Kissing that magazine cover goodbye.

After a rather smokey and cuss-filled popcorn battle, the score is Me: 2, Stove: 5. I think I'm going to buy a hot-air popper. But the popcorn that was not burned was really good.And that wasn't the first inanimate object to turn on me today. I decided to wear my "cheap is how I feel" necklace/choker thing today for the first time in months. Apparently my neck has gotten bigger since then, as I nearly strangled myself putting it on and every time I yawn I feel like I'm going to pass out. It's gone from (questionable) fashion accessory to suicide attempt. Not sure what I'm doing tonight. The people who ARE available seem unappealing tonight, and the people I DO want to see are gone/working/busy. I'd like to indulge in some intensive retail therapy, but I'm still tight on money til friday, and spending limits mean nothing to me. Pbbbt. Maybe I'll try to redeem myself by baking some cookies. The oven still loves me.

Do you Yahoo?

milesfrommyhome (me): A pleasure "speaking" with you, and I hope all goes well. And GO TO THE PARTY!!!namechangedtoprotecttheinnocent: really?milesfrommyhome: SOMEBODY needs to get a new year's kiss, and since it's probably not gonna be me, I pass the torch to you.namechangedtoprotecttheinnocent: awwwwmilesfrommyhome: Yes, another sexually frustrated Hallmark moment.I also talked to my intimidating "bowling for columbine" friend tonight. God I hate people who are funnier than I am. Otherwise I've just been a cleanin', cuttin' and pastin', tea makin' machine! Baking cookies is on the tentative schedule for sunday. I will make the cover of Quaint Magazine if it kills me!

You TRY to be nice...

From my friend with the man problem:"YOu HO BAG!!! I can't believe you did that....your so dead...I'm on my way home right now!"Now I ask you, is THAT in the holiday spirit? That's a "bah humbug" if I've ever heard one! Did somebody tell her that the last guy I tried to set her up with has a record? Nothing major, he just vandalized a golf course or something.At any rate, I've now got a "turn of the century New York slum" decorating theme in my bathroom. If only I could get the light bulb to flicker... And my mailbox key finally worked. A couple bills and a christmas card for the former residents. Hooray!

Thank God it's Friday

My bathroom ceiling is leaking. The ceiling is mushy, the wall is bubbling, and there is a stream of water from the ceiling to the counter. I guess the upstairs neighbors are running a dolphin rescue program. They make the oddest noises in the middle of the night.eh.

And he dresses like Johnny Cash

So a millionaire won the Powerball jackpot. I'm sure that fact pisses a lot of people off, but not being a big lottery fan myself, I say "bwa ha ha!!!" "'I just want to thank God for letting me pick the right numbers — or letting the machine pick the right numbers,' said Whittaker"Well put, Jack, and congratulations. The American dream lives on.

I'm all out of creativity for this one

I talked to my best friend from high school this evening. He's in town for a couple weeks, and his Southern Baptist girlfriend is with him. I actually get to meet her this trip, which should be a trip in itself. This is a girl who changed churches out of shame when she was seen at Wal-Mart in blue jeans. My friend once got the silent treatment for hours for using "the H word". I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about, especially since Fred Phelps was recently in their town. Another one of my friends e-mailed me today asking for help in finding man. So here it is: My (female) friend needs a man. If you're short, ugly or if your idea of first date chit-chat is "I think I'm gonna barf", you are not the one. She's 22 (I think), good lookin', an excellent dancer, quite horny, and she's probably reading this. :) I'll post a picture as soon as I can. This is what happens when you leave town over New Year's!!! Besides, I only have like 4 days to find my own man. I like helping people.

Have we lost sight of the true meaning of Boxing Day?

My mailbox key isn't working. It hasn't worked all week. This happens from time to time, but it's usually self-correcting and has never gone on this long. The real pisser is that my roommate is gone til the 6th, so I can't use his "magic key of consistent openage". Grrr....Work was boring and I was bitchy. I've perfected the art of being bitchy and insulting in a professional and helpful manner. I'm thinking I'll write a book on the subject.I'm starting to wonder why it is that there seem to be a lot of people who love Creed and a lot of people who voted Republican, and yet I know none and few of them, respectively. I smell a conspiracy.

"So this ...

"So this is your last Christmas."-My aunt, to my ailing Catholic grandmother, in reference to her moving into a Jewish assisted living facility. Or so she claimed.Christmas with the liberal side of the family. The wine flowed freely, as did the menopausal bitchiness. I got a bottle of shiraz from my aunt, which has to be one of the best gifts ever. I also inherited the leftover beer, a few dozen Harper's and New Yorkers...and last week's sunday comics. I feel like I should say something profound, but hell, there are magazines to be cut up.

Merry ...

Merry Christmas everybody! Spending the day with my mom's fam. It's comforting because no matter how bitchy people get, I know there will be PLENTY of wine.

And so THIS is Christmas???

I need to be petty and materialistic. My notoriously cheap father was actually quite generous this year. But I still hate him. For the third year in a row he did his Christmas shopping at Sam's Club, and this year was the most ridiculous. I am now the proud owner of a 20 pound Mag-Lite. What the fuck am I gonna do with that? I mean, I gave my brother my 12 pack of Chef Boyardee, but this? First of all, I OWN a flashlight. I own a few. Even if I didn't, I don't think I'd need one the size of my thigh. My brother and step-brother got the same things. I mean a freaking flashlight! I think creative gifts are a good thing; I generally hate asking people what they want. But when you're just going to a discount store and grabbing 3 of whatever looks useless, you need to be stopped. Church was stupid. The worship leaders were horrible. I mean, there's a difference between singing harmony and singing off-key. And the pastor (who once had the balls to THANK ME for coming to my step-brother's funeral) told some ridiculous story of questionable relevance. I suspect that the pastor had mistaken this story as a religious metaphor. At dinner I asked my father, who had just commented on how great it was, to explain it to me. After a few minutes of silence he said, "I think maybe it was just a story." Oh, and my brother loved the collage. My father pretended to look at it and like it, but when my brother actually made him examine it he just got kinda red and quiet.

And so this is (almost) Christmas...

Several things, none of which fit well together.This morning after crossing the Broadway ave bridge I heard strange noises behind me. It was a fire crackling in a trash can under the bridge, with a few "economically disadvantaged" people gathered around. The first thing that popped into my head, I swear to god, was that it looked oddly like a live nativity scene. Then as I started to get angry at society, the feeling quickly turned to guilt, which I'd rather not talk about. Work was dead. My co-worker and I spent the morning doing the chicken dance (a modified version that better suits my knee situation). We got sent home 2 hours early with full pay, which for me was actually 4 1/2 hours early with full pay since my normal hours had already been cut on account of baby Jesus being born tomorrow and all.Then I made a collage to give to my brother in front of my Christian Coalition father and step-mother. It's lovely. A picture of several business people onto which I pasted captions from the famous (to me) parenting guide. One gentleman is "getting quite good at elimination", while another "may handle genitals, but sex play can be easily discouraged." The token woman in the picture is "ready for play with daddy. Fond of peek-a-boo." Passive-aggressive? Me? Psssh!

Merry Christmas Eve eve

Saw "Bowling for Columbine" for the third time. I still love it. And the guy I was with... He intimidated the hell out of me. In a good way. He's just so much more creative and inspired than me. He was what I want to be, I guess. Apparently North Korea is getting ready for world war III, as are we. I'll rant in a day or two, when I have more time.Tomorrow I endure the man who sired me and his wife. I haven't seen them since my aunt's funeral in october, but my brother says they're thrilled that the radical liberal agenda has been rejected and America has finally found the right way to go. Kiss my ass. Aren't Republican's worried about the Iraqi fetuses, at least?

I can't remember what I can't forget

Something popped into my head tonight, and it won't leave. Well, the essence of something. I don't remember the exact words, but it was more or less "we cannot change the world, we can only live our lives." I wish I could remember. The point was that any cultural change has to start out small. Perhaps it was "...we can only change minds"? Where is my memory when I need it?

I think I'll just get drunk and depressed

I am absolutely high on Jill Sobule right now. I downloaded a song of hers this morning. Then another, and another. Don't worry, the moment I have a penny to my name I intend to run out and buy everything she has released. But for now I'm just...happy. I don't really have anything else to say, but my newfound love for Jill has compelled me to say something.

to go just one night without Nerds glued to my fingers...

They make brush-on Krazy Glue. Why didn't anyone tell me? Many Nerds found a new home tonight on cheap frame from Target.One of my friends shared one of his life goals with me tonight. He wants to buy a house and renovate it and redecorate it in the style of a cheap camper. Cheap veneer cupboards, walls made of that textured vinyl-coated metal, the works. But the outside would maintain a normal appearance. I thought it was quite brilliant. This has been a great day, but somewhat sad. So many people in my life, myself included, seem to be in a transitional state. Between money issues, family issues, friend issues, health issues, relationship issues, everyone seems to be holding their breath, waiting to see which side of Happy they're going to land on. Some of us keep breathing. If I'm going down, I'm going down inhaling Krazy Glue fumes. How can I dwell when I know that each gift I give will be wearing a wonderfully garish neon orange or neon green gift tag? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's related to Mr. Yuck.

Avoiding being constructive

Waiting on 2 phone calls. I need to clean my apartment. I need to clean up the mess of tissue paper and picture frames that is sitting behind me. I ate, but I'm still hungry. I need to sort and wrap gifts. I need to figure out a budget. I have Krazy Glue, a box of Rainbow Nerds, and just a little bit of inspiration. Something dangerous is about to happen.

Communion?

Went shopping. Had the very odd experience of standing with my long-ago ex-boyfriend and the boy I recently dated*, all three of us drooling over the latter's co-worker. It was beautiful in a way. *sniff*Oh, and my long-ago ex gave me my xmas presents: a pomegranate candle and a piece of speaker art featuring three Christopher Lowell's, one of whom is pointing to a giant nipple hovering above his head. The piece has no official title, but he thinks it'll be something along the lines of "Christopher Lowell and the Holy Trinity."*both referred to as such simply to illustrate the surreal quality of the moment; they would most accurately be described as friendsMe-ism of the day so far: "See, that's the difference between you and me, we.... are different."

Feeling like a bit of a whore...

Damn right.Busy day today. First an ex-boyfriend and I are going to Target, then we're going to visit "pink elephant magnet boy" at work, then at some point I'm doing MORE Xmas shopping with a different ex. There are basically two ways of looking at this. I could say "gee, it's great that I'm able to maintain friendships with people I've dated", or I could say "gee, I make out with everyone I meet." That's a good note to end on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Hot Throbbing Knees!

Well, the disaster that appeared so close this morning has vanished. Yay. Now I'm trying to decide if I want to go to"God's waiting room" aka the Brass Rail and sit on my ex-boyfriend's boyfriend's lap. He's Santa tonight. The whole thing (being Santa in a gay bar) seems like a bad idea to me, but I do tend to have boundary issues. At any rate I'm leaning toward NOT going, seeing as how my poor knee is throbbing and is hot. Oooh, the Hot Throbbing Knees, another potential band name! So anyway, I'm going with the less intense plan B, which would be calling the friend I was gonna go with and coming up with a plan B. Or would it be C? Haven't really checked the news yet, but I did see that Trent Lott stepped down. Something about "browsing livejournal.com last night and realizing the error of my ways." I didn't read the whole thing.

Bad news

"So it's been a long yearEvery new day brings one more teartil there's nothing left to cryBye bye, I'll turn and flyLike the children hiding their eyesto make it disappearlet's start a brand new year"-Over the Rhine

Mommy, the emperor is naked. And it's not pretty.

Found this on Common Dreams tonight:"It is foolish to believe that the removal of a few malefactors, such as Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, will provide security. Not even the US leaders have the illusion that this war will bring peace. They see it rather as a long-lasting and perhaps interminable war driven by continually emerging threats. US military actions will, in fact, most likely only feed the antagonisms created by the inequalities of wealth and power around the world, increasing exponentially the insecurity of global elites. This is doubly true for US elites since unilateral military actions paint a bull's-eye on the US for anyone seeking to attack the center of global domination."Yeah.Also, an interesting twist of logic. Ari Fleischer explaining how G Dubs will reach a decision regarding war with Iraq:"He will do it on the basis of his judgment as Commander-in-Chief and what it will take to save and protect American lives in the event that he reaches the conclusion Saddam Hussein will... provide terrorists with weapons to engage in war against the United States, just like on September 11th with the attack."We're worried that Saddam is handing out box cutters? What? I'm confused... And don't Iraq and al-Qaida have a habit of attacking each other? And isn't it our friends in Saudi Arabia who have been linked to the hijackers? And did he say "judgment"? From Trent Lott's interview on BET -which amounted to "I was a racist yesterday but I'll buy you off with favors tomorrow if you'll save my ass today"- to the war on Iraq (but not North Korea, the ones who BRAG about having "weapons of mass destruction" but lack oil), the horrifying nature of modern (?) politics has never been so exposed. And nobody really seems to care. The closest Starbucks to hell is in Ann Arbor. True.

Not tonight

So my plans for evening have been postponed in favor of sleep (him) and healing (me). I thought "bowling..." was closing this weekend, but I was lied to so we're going to see it some other time when he's rested and I'm not in crippling pain. Oh, and I almost died on my way home. I was multitasking (walking, talking, and smoking) and walked into (very) oncoming traffic, nearly becoming a gorgeous grease spot on 2nd st. I don't get my life. I decide to start doing yoga, and I sprain my knee walking. I decide to start an art project, and I slice my finger 5 minutes in. I decide to start an online journal, and my life gets boring and all of my opinions go away. I'll work really hard at getting pissed off about something to make this more interesting. I apologize to anyone who happens to read this in the meantime. Anyone except Curt.

Um, god bless you?

My roommate's chronically depressed anorexic turtle sneezed. Not sure what to make of that, really...

Variations on a theme

Friend: "...Then, after your second or third date, you're going to freak out if he goes a few days without calling. Then you're going to decide you don't like him anymore, but still get mad if he doesn't call you, but then get mad at him when he DOES call."Me: "And isn't that the way it's supposed to be done?"Friend: "Pretty much. Everything else is variations on a theme."Except this time I DIDN'T get mad when he DID call. Or when he didn't (well, maybe a little). He was a Republican who considered Genre to be highbrow literature. I knew any possibility for a healthy relationship was over when I saw the pink elephant refridgerator magnet. In happier news, I had a major score at work today. We were going to throw out some old catalogs full of wedding invitation samples, but I saved them from the trash, pulled out my trusty xacto and got to work. Life is sweet. In news that is happier still, tomorrow I'm going to see "Bowling for Columbine" for the third time. With a boy. :) A friend boy. Friends are good. And Michael Moore is good. Actually, he's a self-promoting whore ("go see my movie about my book tour for my book about my tv show! And greed is bad!"), but his work is good. Excellent, even.

But will it melt?

I really don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. A friend recently suggested that a healthy form of self-expression would be to walk into a department store (for instance) with a bucket of ice, dump the ice on the floor, and take pictures of people picking up the ice. A sort of interactive art happening. I guess this is less messy.Though I do plan on spilling my drink next time I'm out.